I have four open accounts on online dating websites. Two of them require monthly payment. One of those two is paid for by my mother. I am a cliche. A cliche of a cliche.
I've gotten one date out of these websites. Drinks. During which the male counterpart insisted that we split the $14. You would think after this I would've quit, but this is the part that isn't very cliche. I keep the accounts going just to observe. It's an interesting pool of people. Those who are at a time in their lives where they feel socially obligated to have a significant other. They are done with college, because college is basically a giant dating service in itself (I'm using the word "date" loosely in this case). They are working, but in a shitty job. I only say that because it always seems like people in shitty jobs are always single. Maybe I've read too many "Cathy" comics. The other, most defining and uniting characteristic of dating site patrons is laziness. Think about it. What did we do to meet people in the past? We went out. We got set up by friends. We dressed up to look nice in public. Now we get out of bed, grab our laptop from the kitchen and slice of pizza from the desk and check our inbox for "winks", "smiles", or some other trite little signal you can send to someone because you are too much of a pussy to write actual words to them.
If you do get a message, it is almost always going to be from someone who sent it at 3 am the night before, and it almost always says "hey wuts up" and nothing else. Who reads this message, looks at the person's profile, calls their friend and says "Oh my god Stephanie, this is the one"? No one. Because if you do look at the profile, it will consist of one picture, taken of the guy either on his computer or on his phone in front of a mirror. No sign of friends or other humans that could take the picture for him. Just him and his mirror and his keyboard and probably a half-eaten Doritos Locos taco.
And this is dating now. And we do it because it's so easy. If you aren't interested in the dude, you don't have to come up with an excuse or kindly let them down. You don't have to do anything. Literally, just close the message and never respond and never think about this person again. And then keep waiting for that one day when you'll get a message from a Ryan Gosling doppleganger that expresses in a beautiful and succinct way how he wishes dating hadn't become so impersonal and he was about to close his account until he saw your photo and he realized that maybe the internet wasn't completely devoid of true beauty. And keep ignoring people that say internet dating is weird and keep listening to people that say they know someone who knows someone whose stepsister is getting married to a guy she met on match.com.
And if you need to get laid by the time you meet your soulmate, hit up InterracialDating.com. Not a joke.
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