An Open Letter to Shitty Bosses

Dear Shitty Bosses,

You are our boss. You have authority over what we do and how we do it. You are in charge of whether or not we get the money that we need to live comfortably. And if we do get the money, you are in charge of exactly how much money we get and, therefore, how comfortably we are going to live.  How you manage us is what decides how we feel when we are at work. If you are productive and fun, we will feel good. If you are a piece of shit, we will not feel good.

We, as the employees of shitty bosses, do not feel good.

You, as the shitty bosses, should not feel good. But you probably do.

Because you don't realize how shitty you actually are. All you know is that you have employees and you are in charge of their money and if they are good enough to have it. And if you feel like insulting us for some reason--that reason most often being that you feel like insulting someone--you can. And we can't say anything back. And that gets your dick hard.

So, shitty bosses, here is my guess as to what your employees probably want to say to you.

You are worthless. If it weren't for the fact that you are in charge of our money, we would have cut your balls off ages ago. If, one day, we woke up and were told by an anonymous source that you would be fired that day and didn't know it, we would probably skip happily right into your office, pour your hot coffee on your lap, stick a pen in your eye socket, then skip away. You are terrible. You are devoid of human compassion and are completely disconnected from those of us who do the real work in this godforsaken place. You come in late, you leave early. And for that short period where we are at work at the same time, you use every second of it to belittle us and point out our mistakes, with a few short breaks to close your office door and jack off to your own reflection. You will insult an employee while they cry in front of you, then go home and sit around and not think about that employee again. You will sleep soundly.

As your employees, we would like to reiterate how little we actually care about you. It may seem like a lot, because we abide by your rules and obey your authority. But that does not mean we actually care about you. The fact is, we wouldn't call anyone if you didn't show up to work one day. We wouldn't care. We would go on about our work, probably more efficiently and definitely more happily.

We will love the day that we get new jobs and can quit this one, so we can tell you how we really feel. We have drafts saved on our computers of resignation letters that we want to give to you. Resignation letters that succinctly express in the most detail exactly how much we despise you. We won't spoil it anymore, so consider this letter a prologue to the next one, which you will be reading from the bottom of a well in our basements while we starve you so we can make a coat out of your skin.

See you at work!

Your employees.